Joke of the week

The off-topic area. All the drivel you'd normal spout in the pub goes here.
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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Tue Jul 24, 2012 9:50 pm

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:35 pm

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho PU (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Geoffrey Boycott.
"Geoffrey Boycott!!!!", they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Geoffrey Boycott because he's just ...


Are you ready for this? Are you sure?

*
OK! You asked for it - here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
... just a COMMONTATER!"
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

louisejansen
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby louisejansen » Fri Aug 24, 2012 8:55 pm

:lol: :lol: =D> =D>
Very good Shep
Lou :roll:

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Fri Oct 12, 2012 9:05 pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Bag9
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Bag9 » Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:42 pm

Jimmy salviles family have had his gravestone removed along with the flowers as a mark of respect it just leaves a small hole and no bush around it

Just what he would have wanted


Sorrys folks sick but funny
Bagsy Chan
(Carrie)

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Bag9
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Bag9 » Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:28 pm

Parents have been warned of 2 peadophiles cleaning snow outside schools ones called jimmy shovel and the other Gary gritter

Sorry but it made me chuckle :lol: :lol:
Bagsy Chan
(Carrie)

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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Titus Oat » Wed Mar 13, 2013 7:48 pm

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that theer 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is fifty quid,
And fifty quid is fifty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that theer 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows fifty quid is fifty quid! "

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:04 pm

Subject: One liners
To:


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


I know a chap who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


Moses, did Hebrew tea?


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.


PMS jokes aren't funny: period.


American Indians got there first but they had reservations.


Energizer bunny was arrested. Charged with battery.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


When a clock gets hungry, does it go back four seconds?


A dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary is called a thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


All the toilets in Melbourne's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.


Velcro is such a rip off.


Cartoonist found dead. Details are sketchy.


I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Sun Jul 07, 2013 8:04 pm

From a teacher -- short and to the point

I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and
emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off
a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Heavyman
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Heavyman » Tue Jul 09, 2013 8:19 am

Lol
Pound for pound am i the fastest?

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stella
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby stella » Tue Jul 09, 2013 8:24 am

ha ha ha ..... nice one shep :lol:
my name is clive allison, i am not a girl......well only at weekends :-)

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Sun Jul 21, 2013 5:51 pm

Lost all interest in sex!!!!!!!???????
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr Maynard was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight..."
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Wed Jul 24, 2013 8:03 pm

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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EdMurden
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby EdMurden » Sat Aug 24, 2013 8:35 pm

Well as it's Draycott Scarecrow Trail this weekend...

Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award ?
A. Because he was outstanding in his field.

:-)

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Thu Jan 02, 2014 7:01 pm

Recipe for the Perfect Cuppa . . .

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.
So, every morning I shout, 'Two sugars, fat arse
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.


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