Joke of the week

The off-topic area. All the drivel you'd normal spout in the pub goes here.
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Heavyman
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Joke of the week

Postby Heavyman » Fri Mar 16, 2012 4:17 pm

Kermit the Frog's lillypad has just been raided by the police who found hundreds photos of Miss Piggy in the nude. A police spokeperson said it was the worst case of Frogs Porn they had ever seen!!!!!
Pound for pound am i the fastest?

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FITZY
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby FITZY » Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:10 pm

Nice one Shaun.

By the way have you been to the new Indian restaurant in town?

They serve a lovely Pelican Curry, very tasty indeed but the bill was massive...!!
Howay the lads (and lasses)

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:11 pm

I went there and had a Tarka, its like Tikka but Otter.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

KarenL
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby KarenL » Thu Apr 26, 2012 7:38 pm

Shamelessly stolen from a friend on FB but I had to laugh at this one :badgrin:

Paddy and Murphy on a building site. Slate falls off roof slicing Paddy's ear off. Murphy finds it, says,"is this yours Paddy?""No mine had a pencil behind it."

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rollerman
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby rollerman » Fri Apr 27, 2012 7:52 am

How do you get down, from an Elephant.
LERC 50 ultra finisher 2013 :)

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rollerman
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby rollerman » Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:25 am

You dont, you get it from a Duck! :mrgreen: :badgrin:


I'm thinking of haveing a Duck do, possibly in a few weeks time!!
LERC 50 ultra finisher 2013 :)

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:54 am

A man in Kilkenny walked into the produce section of the local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard (is this rash on my genitalia normal?) wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"Limerick, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Limerick?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from Limerick!"
"Really?" replied the boy, "and which Club did she play for?"
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:25 pm

An Indian chief had three squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. In time, all three became pregnant. The first, on the deer skin, had a baby boy. The second, on the elk skin, had a baby girl. But the third, who slept on the hippopotamus skin, gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl.

Which only goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Mon Apr 30, 2012 9:51 pm

Friday night Groaners...

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Wed Jul 04, 2012 8:39 pm

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges
may vary).
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Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end
in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

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If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of
ham then delete it. It's Spam.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong
but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift
this beer belly.

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I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in
Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers
the little bas**rds deserved it!

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When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a
cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

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The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather,
fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her
doorstep.
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News flashes:

3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest,
but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was
anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience
did try to warn him.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Wed Jul 04, 2012 8:39 pm

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars
A couple of days later, once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Wed Jul 04, 2012 8:40 pm

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?"
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Heavyman
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Heavyman » Wed Jul 04, 2012 10:06 pm

Some of you have already had this one from me but:-

A man come hame and says to his wife" Ive got the new Olympic condoms, im going to put the gold one on tonight dear".
the wife replys "why dont you put on the silver one, and come second for a change!!!"

Sorry for the rudeness (not)
Pound for pound am i the fastest?

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FITZY
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby FITZY » Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:50 am

Love the Arab Sheik joke...!! :lol:
Howay the lads (and lasses)

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Bag9
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Bag9 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 8:37 am

Heavyman wrote:Some of you have already had this one from me but:-

A man come hame and says to his wife" Ive got the new Olympic condoms, im going to put the gold one on tonight dear".
the wife replys "why dont you put on the silver one, and come second for a change!!!"

Sorry for the rudeness (not)



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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