Joke of the week

The off-topic area. All the drivel you'd normal spout in the pub goes here.
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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Sat Jan 11, 2014 10:20 pm

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 16 year old escort".

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it we us."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favorite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay lad, I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"


The last is always best:
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Mon Jan 20, 2014 9:29 pm

>>Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
>>A. A laughing stock.
>>
>>Q What is the height of optimism?
>>A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
>>
>>Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car at high speed?
>>A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
>>
>>Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
>>A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
>>
>>Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
>>A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
>>
>>Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommy cricket team?
>>A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
>>
>>Q. What's the difference between the Pommy cricket team and a funeral director?
>>A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Mon Jun 16, 2014 7:16 pm

FOUR RETIREES VISIT A BAR

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Long Eaton.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 pence."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
"Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a pint of real ale.

In no time the bartender serves up four beers and says,
"That'll be 10 pence each, please."
The four chaps stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.

They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 pence, finish their beers, and order another round.

Again, four excellent real ales are produced,
with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 pence, please."

They pay the 40 pence, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two beers and haven't even spent 25p yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve ales as
good as these for 10p apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from London ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £50 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them savour their beers, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men
asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're pensioners from Scotland
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price!"
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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FITZY
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby FITZY » Tue Jun 17, 2014 11:29 am

Ho ho - a good 'un Shep.

Reminds me.
July 29th 1981 Charles & Diana Windsor's marriage - pints of Becks in the Farmers Inns in Newcastle city centre @ 10p a pint for the day - Honest. :cool:

No waiting til Happy Hour!
Howay the lads (and lasses)

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EdMurden
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby EdMurden » Sun Jun 22, 2014 6:35 pm

That's a cracker, Shep !

wilko
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby wilko » Wed Jul 09, 2014 9:34 am

After Brazil's thrashing in the World Cup there were shocking scenes in the dressing room after the game of grown men openly weeping - German players that didn't score a goal!

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Wed Oct 15, 2014 7:50 pm

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin' into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail."

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

19 Paddys go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The poster said 18 or over."

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that, 2.30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5-cent and 10-cent coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists! I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing! (Love it!)

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker … well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Sun Feb 22, 2015 8:41 am

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Thu Mar 05, 2015 10:25 pm

I had a pie on a public weighbridge today, that's eating on an industrial scale
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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creakinees
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby creakinees » Fri Mar 06, 2015 7:26 pm

OK, not a joke in the true sense of the word but this made me laugh more than most things do ...

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Wed Mar 18, 2015 11:17 am

Did you hear the one about the man who took TipEx and Viagra and woke up with a Correction.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Tue Jul 21, 2015 9:59 am

A man, after having his ear bitten off in a pub brawl underwent reconstruction surgery, the new material coming from a pig's ear.
The operation was a complete success, however, he can hear fine but has a lot of crackling in it.
BOOM BOOM.
And I am not telling Porkies.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Sun Dec 13, 2015 8:11 am

1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b’

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Sun Sep 11, 2016 9:00 pm

Puns For Those With A Slightly Higher IQ.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same old mustard as before .

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.

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Shep
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Re: Joke of the week

Postby Shep » Tue Jul 04, 2017 10:35 am

In hindsight I should have posted my Face book status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother (not all bad then?)

----------------------

Son: Dad, we're learning about prisms at school. They're fascinating.
Dad: That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound to end up in one
.--------------------

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and says Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes.
Paddy says, Nice one, when do I fight him?
------------------

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about
----------------------
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on
DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!

---------------------------

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts thegun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"

-----------------------

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who
said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"
--------------------------------

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

---------------------------------

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you
are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

---------------------------------------------

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

------------------------------------------

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

------------------------------------------
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Shep. Now I do love a bit of Gorgonzola.


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